Adult Conversation

The other day I was explaining to my wife Danielle on the phone that Sean (our 17-month-old) and I had discovered two new monsters in our presence. One was the Washcloth Monster, who feeds on the crumbs little boys leave behind, and the other was the Hand Wipe Monster, his cousin, who follows us around town and feeds on little boys’ sticky paws.

Danielle said I needed more adult relationships, ASAP.

In the May issue of Military Spouse Magazine, I wrote about trying to build up a sense of community, but I’ve been having a hard time actually making it happen.

The first thing that stymied my involvement in the spouses’ club here was Sean’s nap schedule. I signed up to join the playgroup, which is well-organized and meets at local parks and playgrounds, but most of the kids are a little older than Sean and have one midday nap. So the get-togethers (I stubbornly refuse to call them “playdates”) are scheduled for mid-morning, right when Sean goes down for his first of two daily naps.

Then, just as Sean was transitioning to one midday nap himself, he got sick. It was probably the swine flu, though we didn’t have to take him to the doc. He only ran a fever for a day, and then his symptoms became cold-like: coughing, runny nose—nothing really to worry about. But being sick meant more sleep, and he’s been back to two naps a day for the last three weeks.

We’ve also been trying to organize a trip down to Virginia to see Danielle and visit friends, but car trouble has thrown a wrench into our schedule. Making matters even more complicated is that the car is in Connecticut. It broke down on Danielle on the drive home over Memorial Day weekend. Not knowing when I’ll have to go pick it up or when we’ll finally be able to take our trip has made me reluctant to commit to any other spouse club events.

That all leaves Sean and me in a kind of limbo, and it leaves me with only small-talk social opportunities with the waitresses at the diner or with casual acquaintances at the coffee shop.

When we do make it to the playground, I find myself hovering within 15 feet of Sean, watching the other parents—mostly moms—from a distance. I feel a strange reluctance to engage them in conversation, partly because it’s awkward being the only dad at the playground (the other dads I see are invariably accompanied by their wives), and partly because I don’t want Sean to start eating grass or wood mulch.

So, for the time being, my primary social companion is a toddler, and our conversations are mostly one-sided. If it weren’t for the Internet and the telephone, I’d really be in trouble.

Spouse Career Advancement Accounts – Get Your Education on!

From the Military One Source Website: The Department of Defense is expanding the Military Spouse Career Advancement Accounts — MyCAA — for military spouses of active duty and activated Guard and Reserve service members worldwide beginning in mid May 2009. In mid May, MyCAA will officially open its doors for eligible military spouses worldwide to receive up to $6,000 of financial assistance to help pay for licenses, certifications and education in high growth, high demand portable career fields.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know about you, but this warms my little academic heart! More military spouses than ever are pursuing higher education, especially with the increase of accredited online campuses which help us as we follow our military member across the world. This is a wonderful resource to help defray the costs that come with the territory.

Hop onto the site and look around. I am pleased to announce I have already completed the process and am using the benefits for my summer session. The whole process took a week to do. Too easy. The only confusing part was figuring out how to get started…you have to create an account. After that, the site leads you through a series of screens where you fill in appropriate information. Additionally, you also have to contact your university’s Finance Office and let them know you have received this funding (there is a document to print out that you can fax/email them). If you have questions, there is a number to call and a counselor will talk you through it.

I highly encourage any milspouses seeking higher education to pursue this source of funding. What a great way to support the families of our military members!

Reluctant Bachelors

I was listening to NPR the other day on the topic of the economy and its affect on families. The broadcaster reported that more and more families are finding themselves separated due to the need for one parent/spouse to commute to other states for work. It further went on to report on how many married couples are living separately, even part of the time, due to their employment situations. The term that grabbed my attention most during this report was that of “reluctant bachelors”.

Of course, the concept was not lost on me. Military families know all too well the possibility of geographic bachelor situations. The likelihood always seems to exist. In fact, a great number of military families have become accustomed to living this way. Still, generally speaking, it is not something many of our civilian counterparts would expect to happen to them. No one dreams of getting married and then living apart from their spouse. Usually, that is not in a couple’s plan. Further, people typically do not tend to buy houses expecting that only part of their family will live there while one parent lives in another state because of a change in work circumstances. Though, this very thing is happening more frequently across our country. People have to go where the jobs are, in order to support their families and many cases to keep a roof over their heads.

In the past, when faced with the question as to why my husband and I would ever consider geo bachelor living, I explained that while it is not desirable, some situations require sacrifice. I, just like you, know couples and families currently living this way. We just do what you have to, and we want to do what is right for your family. To be honest, the concept does not appeal to me, and it is not something I have personally experienced yet. Still, I cannot say it will never happen. All I can do is prepare for the possibility, and communicate with my husband and my family, in a way that will make it work for us (and, of course, cross my fingers and toes that it will not have to be a reality in our house anytime soon.)

Let them play

Father’s Day is fast approaching and in preparation for the celebration of fatherhood I’ve been volunteering for Family Advocacy writing articles geared towards fathers for the base paper. Sometimes research is my favorite part of the writing process, but it’s also the part that gets me side-tracked the fastest. One minute I’ll be reading about Benedict Arnold on a civil war web site, the next minute I’m trying to figure out what Katie Holmes was thinking when she put on those pants. Eventually I give up on the Internet and switch to books because I figure it’s harder to get distracted when you’re reading a book on one subject. One of my research materials is a big, fat textbook that causes my desk to sag in the middle whenever I plop it down. You just don’t understand; this book is huge. Being the adventurous soul that I am, I decided to crack it open to see what dry advice the Center for Successful Fathering would have to offer the fathers on base. Well, it turns out a lot. And, shockingly, I read the whole book (well, most of it) and learned a lot, too. I’ll share with you one of today’s distractions.

One thing that I found particularly interesting was the positive light shown on rough housing. When I read that part I kind of did a double take, like “What? How could that possibly be good for a child?” The book said that women tend to frown upon rough housing. You think? Just imagining my husband throwing the baby we don’t yet have up in the air and catching her (or him) makes me want to reach over and smack him. Already my motherly instincts are kicking in and I don’t even have children.

When it comes to rough housing, Mom will say things like, “You’re going to drop him… Someone’s going to get hurt.” Dad will continue holding the giggling baby upside down and eventually Mom will have to leave the room because she can’t stand to watch her child being put in danger. According to the book, fathers should go ahead and continue to wrestle and play rough with the kids and mothers should just deal with it. That’s just what dads do, and that’s how they bond with their child. Not only that, but rough housing helps to establish trust between the child and the father. Baby knows that Daddy isn’t going to drop her, therefore she trusts him.

I never really thought of it like that, but now that I’ve been introduced to that concept it makes sense. I can remember my dad playing rough with me and my mom yelling at him saying things like, “She’s just a little girl. Don’t be so rough!” Thinking back on it, I remember that I enjoyed it. That was Daddy and me time. Sometimes I did get hurt, and sometimes he got a small elbow to the nose, but that was one way that my dad and I bonded. I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me and I trusted him completely.

So, mothers, next time your husband is wrestling with your little boy or throwing your baby up in the air and catching her, just let them be.  And, fathers, make sure you take the time to play with your kid because you don’t want to miss out on that special bonding time.

Memorial Day: a day to remember and honor.

For many of us, Memorial Day conjures up images of wreath-laying and half-staffed ensigns; quiet falling across ancient battlefields; cemeteries that may be interrupted by the punctuating sound of taps and barely audible prayers; and, rivers of tears that fall from grave faces. It is a day of reflection—a day of solemn remembrance. While some folks are eager to have a day off of work or enjoy the first big backyard barbecue heralding that summer is on its way, the meaning behind the day is not forgotten. We each honor and remember in ways that we were raised or in ways that are representative of our collective appreciation.

Countless people have a significantly deep connection with Memorial Day; a sobering one. A reality that causes them to reflect every day as they mourn losses greater than ever anticipated. Too many personally know the greatest sacrifice. Far too many homes host burial flags on behalf of a grateful Nation. These loved ones know an entirely different day, and one that may not always be filled with fireworks and parties. They are the ones who continuously come to my mind each and every year at this time. My heart aches for them—people I do not even know, from places I have never been, all over this country and the world.

It goes without saying that we each have our own memories, traditions and lifestyles, and will recognize the day in our own individual ways. Regardless, the rare few who do not always contemplate the meaning, hopefully remember that Memorial Day is more than just a day off, more than the unofficial kick-off to the summer. It is a symbol of our country and our people. It is non-partisan and cross-cultural. A Nation remembers equally the men and women who have died serving our country. As military spouses and families, we remember our neighbors and friends: the widows and widowers, children and parents, left behind to march on.

Skype: A Cure for the TAD* Blues?

* Temporary Assigned Duty

Danielle called last night, and the homesickness had finally gotten to her. For the first time since her shore tour began almost 3 years ago, she’s on TAD 8 hours away, training for her next assignment.

This is also the first time since our son was born 17 months ago that she’s been away from Sean for more than a few hours. I think that’s probably the hardest part. We know what it’s like to be separated from each other, but not getting to see her little boy is an altogether different emotional experience.

So when she called last night, we decided it was time to experiment with Skype, a program that allows you to make phone calls (and, more importantly video calls) over the Internet. For free.

Before we left, we installed the free Skype software on her laptop, which has a built-in webcam. I bought a camera for our home computer and installed the same software, and we had everything we needed to get started.

I was amazed at how easy it was to get it up and running. I added Danielle as a contact and seconds later got a pop-up saying I had received a video call from her. With one click, I was looking at her face on my computer screen in real time and hearing her voice over the speakers and she was looking at and hearing me.

It instantly lifted our spirits. Sean was already in bed so we made a plan to make another call this afternoon.

That would be the real test. How would our toddler react to seeing his mom on the computer? He had obviously noticed her absence—he’s been unusually clingy—and I wondered if he would like seeing his mom via video or if he would get upset.

The results were mixed. Sean didn’t really seem to understand that he could interact with Danielle, but he also seemed to like seeing her face and hearing her voice. The hardest part was getting him to sit still and stay within the viewing angle of the camera.

All-in-all, I’d say it was a success. Danielle got to see our little one’s smile, and he got to see hers. With a little coaxing, I even got him to say “Bye-bye,” before she had to sign off and head back to the classroom to study.

With a little practice, I think Skype will be a great tool to help us get through this separation. For tomorrow’s call, I’m going to reposition the speakers so it sounds more like her voice is coming from her face on the monitor. Maybe that will make it a little more life-like.

Technology will never fully replace face-to-face human interaction, but maybe it’s the next best thing.

Whistle while you work, but get there on time.

Maybe it’s the military in my blood, but I try to be on time or early everywhere I need to be. You may feel the same way. In fact, many military types say, If you are on time, then you’re late. Call me crazy, but being consistently late gives a bad impression. There is nothing fashionable about it. It basically screams, I don’t care and I’d rather be somewhere else. Okay, maybe in certain instances it’s fashionable, but certainly not in the work place. Can you tell I’m frustrated? This post has been a long time coming, since 1999 as a matter of fact, when I reentered the civilian workforce.

Sometimes, I find that the civilian sector is lacking in, well, military discipline. Chuckle if you will, but I’m serious. Now, I’m not talking about the up and at ‘em runs at zero dark thirty before you go to work, nor am I saying that everyone has to be uber disciplined in appearance or physique. Rather, I am talking about accountability folks. You know if your spouse showed up consistently late for work, he or she would be slapped with charges akin to dereliction of duty. Not to mention that multiple infractions could lead to office hours/NJP or even an administrative separation. It’s just not tolerated. So, why could it be put up with outside of the military?

Behavior like this depletes office morale and undermines the collective effort to abide by a particular organization’s set of rules or schedule. Sure, there are extenuating circumstances like your dog destroyed your Manolo Blahniks that you were going to wear to the big meeting or your car was rear-ended as it sat in your garage. Stranger things have happened. Still, excuses get tired after awhile. We all have problems, and it is hard to believe that your coworker is late again because of one of the aforementioned stories or that you have to call in sick because you may have the sniffles, and it just so happens to be the day before a three-day weekend. Argh!

What say you? Does it frustrate you when a coworker acts more like an irresponsible child than an accountable adult? Is the civilian sector too lax? Is it a generational thing? Am I just being uptight? Nevermind, don’t answer that last one. I already know what you wise-cracking folks are going to say.

Okay, now that I have virtually vented, I feel a bit calmer. *sigh*

Tanya Queiro, 2009 Military Spouse of the Year National Winner, Presented by USAA

The Military Spouse of the Year award is presented annually to an individual who embodies the best characteristics of today’s military spouse. The award honors the sacrifices and selfless service 1.1 million military spouses who provide unwavering support to our armed services today and those who have silently served in generations before. The honoree is chosen from among hundreds of reader nominations submitted to Military Spouse magazine based on their representation of all military spouses and their own personal story. Criteria used to select the recipient, includes impact on community change, volunteerism, personal sacrifice, education and career pursuits and other spouse related efforts.

About the winner:
Tanya is a United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) New Leader Program graduate, an active Civilian Career Leadership Development participant and mentor, American Military University Career Mentor and Operation Noble Heart volunteer. She has also volunteered as a Lifestyle Insight, Networking, Knowledge, and Skills (LINKS) mentor, Onslow County Women’s Shelter Victim Advocate and Key Volunteer.

As a life-time member of the Women’s Marine Association, Tanya is dedicated to cementing the bond and camaraderie shared by those who have gone through the training to become a U.S.Marine. Additionally, Tanya is currently pursuing a doctorate degree in organization and management, has received numerous professional awards, and has been a distinguished speaker for several organizations and agencies.

Tanya served as an active duty Marine for more than 12 years and she effectively planned and executed a myriad of mission sets ranging from deployments, raising three children and obtaining her bachelor’s and master’s degrees. It was during her active duty tenure that Tanya met and married her husband, Jose.

About Tanya:
Full name: Tanya Michelle Queiro
Husband’s full name and rank: Jose Queiro, Gunnery Sergeant (E7)
Children’s first names and ages: Jose, 12; Marcus, 10; Adrianna, 8
Favorite Pastime: Spending time with family, reading classic English literature
Free time indulgence: Relaxing on the beach
Favorite food: Grandmother’s chicken pot pie
Little known fact: I love to dance.
Present job: Human Resource Specialist (Labor/Employee Relations)

Visit msoy.milspouse.com for more information.

Turning the Tables

My wife is stressing about being away from Sean and me this summer for training, but last weekend, I was the one who was on my own.

If you’re like me, you crave alone time: time with a book, time to make a dent in your project list, time to sleep in. I got a big dose of it when Danielle took Sean to visit her mom in Michigan for four days.

I had a stack of reading to do and some handyman tasks, and I was excited—right up until we got to the airport. That’s when my stomach sank right into my left shoe. Seeing the two of them standing in the line for the security check without me was just plain weird.

That afternoon after they left I tried to go to a few of my favorite places (the bookstore, Starbucks), but I just couldn’t get comfortable. I finally wound up watching an action movie starring Jason Statham while eating a pepperoni pizza and drinking a couple of beers. What a guy-like way to spend an evening, huh?

The next morning I woke up at 7:30—then fell back asleep until 9:00. I haven’t slept that much in a year and a half. The rest of the day went well, too. I got a lot of work done, and a lot of relaxing, but at the end of the day I was ready for my family to come back, and I still had two more days to go.

What I got was just a small taste of what it’s like to be away from your spouse and children, and it helped me understand just a little bit what it’s going to be like for Danielle when she has to say goodbye for several weeks at a time, or longer.

Maybe it’s cliche to say this, but we get so used to our lives being a certain way that we take them for granted. Life—especially military life—has a way of shaking things up for all of us, now and then, and showing us how things could be different.

And maybe that’s not a bad thing.

It’s our turn to dance

This is the last full week before Mr. Wonderful deploys again. He’ll be taking one of those new Navy GSAs to Iraq. Since he just got home a scant 2 months ago from being overseas for a year, you can imagine the sense of urgency we had to get things done around the house before he leaves again. So far he’s pressure-washed the driveway, re-hung our “treeface” person whose mouth (which doubles as a birdfeeder) fell down sometime last year. He’s serviced both cars, changed the filters, painted the laundry room doors, and…oh, he’s built another room on back of the house so our crib lizards can have a playroom. Yep, I’ve kept that poor man busy.

Since we are now in official countdown mode, every little thing is taking on more significance. This is the “last time” we’ll order pizza before daddy leaves, says Thing 1. And, the roughhousing I witness daily between Mr. Wonderful and our two boys has literally brought me to tears these last couple of days. I’m a little embarrassed to admit I broke down when we came across Tom Petty’s “Won’t Back Down” video on TV last night, which really has nothing to do with anything but the message is so just…I don’t know, something got to me. So, we’ll wind down this week like we have before. It gets a little more poignant as the boys get older and understand more about what is going on. Thing 1 is affected more now, especially now that he’s learned to count – the concept of time is more real to him. Sometimes I wish it weren’t. There is no more,

“Will daddy be home Tuesday?”

“No, honey, he’ll be home by your birthday.”

“OK, I’ll save some of this cookie for him to eat tomorrow.”

Now, he knows exactly how many Skittles equals a month and how many months equals a year. That is a lot of candy – even for candy-lovers like us. Always, right before he leaves and right before he comes home, I am reminded of that song by SheDaisy where they sing, “…so I’ll wait my turn until it’s our turn to dance…”

And, regardless of which side of the deployment I’m on, I feel a sense of comfort knowing I am in the company of other strong women who have done the same and will continue to do so.

What can I say? It’s our turn to dance again.