Why is the day before so darn hard?  I don’t get it, I’ve been through this dozens of times.  DH is leaving tomorrow at 0600.  It’s not another war time deployment, its just a detachment, a freaking long detachment, but still, just a detachment.  I shouldn’t complain.  I’m lucky.  He’s alive, he’s in one piece.  So, why do I feel like throwing my brand new set of dishes out the window and screaming at the top of my lungs?  Why do I want to cry again?

My oldest son has a harder time than he used to when his father leaves for any length of time.  Its such a struggle for me to watch him get angry and lash out in the days leading up to show time.  He’s just a kid, trying to surf through his father being military.  He does such a great job and he’s such a grown up little boy.  I know that tonight when I tuck him in and his dad sings prayers,  as soon as we close the door, he’ll cry himself to sleep in his pillow.  He doesn’t want us to know he’s crying, it makes him feel like a baby–he says.  I know its hard for him and his two younger brothers, too.  I want to run in and hold him close, tell him that we’ll be just fine, we’ve done this before and we’ll do it again.

My husband began his separation phase a few days ago…he closes off a little more each day and by the time he leaves there is little in his eyes anymore.  Just a blank expression, that both says nothing and everything.  I know he’ll miss me, and the boys, he’ll think of us all the time, but deep in his belly will linger loneliness and apprehension tempered with a bit of anxiety.  Its the same combination of emotions I have, too.

Then, in a few days or a week, we’ll slowly return to separated-normal and adopt a workable schedule for our daily lives.  Until then, I’m debating whether to start with the plates, or the bowls.