I usually try to talk myself into seeing things in a more positive light when something doesn’t go my way. I don’t always succeed, but I put the effort in most areas of my life, except for one: my in-laws, and particularly my mother-in-law. I can face long trips with my five little kids in the car, months of deployments, conversations with people who hold very different opinions, even a painful visit to the dentist, but time with my mother-in-law seems unbearable.
Despite my best efforts to get past our differences, I have struggled and continue to try to have a good relationship with my in-laws. Unfortunately, we seem to go through periods of time when our relationship is tense and unpleasant.
This usually happens when my husband is gone, which is most of the year, and when my in-law’s anger toward the military comes out full force. My in-laws became young adults in the mid 1960s and always felt very strongly that the military was, and still is, a killing machine, and that their son shouldn’t be associated with it in any shape or form.
When my husband joined the Air Force and decided to go into Special Operations, they were devastated, and struggled with understanding his choice and the reasons behind it. I can see how supporting their son’s choice seems impossible. But, I also find myself unwilling to accept such a negative view of our lifestyle from people who are, and will always be, connected to us.
During deployments or TDY’s my in-laws tend to call me often and launch into incessant and repetitive complaints about the unfairness of their situation, or the possibility that their son could be harmed and ask me why I don’t try to persuade him to do something more productive. I tried to explain to them that he’ll probably stay in the military for many years to come because he truly loves what he’s doing and feels that he’s fulfilling his calling. But, I’m not very effective because they plunge into the same pattern of complaints next time I talk to them or see them – it’s like going around in circles.
I get fairly annoyed with them and I seem to be unable to find my positive outlook and simply “let it go.” I should focus on the fact that I don’t know what it’s like to walk in their shoes, but I admit that I often don’t even try and give in to my anger. I alternate between embracing this difference, and wanting them to see my Italian “colors” next time I hear how awful the military is.
I know this a good on-going test for me: If I didn’t have my in-laws I would probably erroneously believe that I’m a patient person. However, because they’re around I know that I will have a hard time tolerating their opinions when they’re close to home. I have lots of work to do to see them in a more positive light.
In the meantime, I can resort to using my husband’s earplugs when subjected to some of their tirades. Better yet, I should get one of those small stress release balls that I can compulsively squeeze when in their company.
4 Comments
How funny! I kinda have the same problem with my In-Laws, except because we decided to continue on with my husband’s career in the Navy, we don’t seem to have the same amount of support as we once did. When my husband first joined, they supported him in every shape and form, but then he re-enlisted and plans to again & now they’ve kinda separated themselves from us…don’t call as much, don’t ever visit (not that they ever really did), don’t show the same amount of support as they once did that’s for sure—it’s weird & I get very angry about the whole thing. Service members & military families deserve support—especially from their parents! I’m at a point right now where I want to wait and see how long it takes them to care enough about us to visit us–I’m on strike from taking vacations to visit them!
I loved your story! It reminds me of the fact that so many military families deal with the “In-Law/Out-Law” situation. You also reminded me that I really fall short when it comes to having patience for them so thanks for the light reminder!
Your story made me laugh and contemplate the irony that many of us go through as military spouses. I still find it funny to hear in-laws bickering over the choices that their son’s or daughter’s make. All too often, we ~ as military spouses ~ hear from our in-laws that we are not doing enough to support our AD members, but then when we do, we get a barrage of questions like, “why didn’t you say something or how can you allow him/her to do that?”. Sometimes, it is a double-edged sword and our opinions do not matter. It is understandable, that as parents, you want to always respect the choices made by your children, but sometimes, giving the spouses respect is just as important. We’re all adults and being part of today’s military should give your in-law’s some sense of pride in knowing that their son in serving their country in an honorable position. I wonder if they realize the full impact that his choices have made on you and your five children…perhaps if they took this into consideration, they may back off a little and give credit where credit is due. You are a remarkably patient spouse and I commend you on sharing this story with the rest of us.
Unfortunately, my mom’s the complainer when it comes to my husband’s career and my choice to “marry into” the air force. But, rather than try to explain our choices or to reason with her, I’ve found it much more effective to be direct. I tell her that I’ve heard her commments before, but things are the way they are, and complaining won’t change anything. Usually, this stops the complaining and we can continue to talk about something else. When all else fails, I cut the call short and move on with my life.