I was all prepared with a blog about military acronyms when I read Anita’s post about her in-laws. Suddenly I feel compelled to repost this archived Shore Duty column about that very issue. Hope this helps, Anita.

Taming Your Military Spouse’s Parents (aka, “The In-Laws”)

A few years ago, I wrote a column suggesting that mothers-in-law should not attend a service member’s homecoming if their son or daughter is married, and especially if they have specifically requested to have time alone first.Initially I referred to the column as “the mother-in-law one” because the very next morning after it was published, I received dozens of scathing messages from angry mothers. (For the record, a lot of service members and their spouses were happy with my column and when they are dealing with insulted in-laws and parents they can say, “Well, Sarah Smiley said it first!”)Lately, I call the infamous column “the one that will not die” because it seems to resurface when I’m busy writing a column that will bother someone else (such as the military hospital or the commissary).

The mother-in-law column has probably traveled the globe through forwarded e-mails. And every now and then, someone sends me a message of approval or contempt. When I do interviews, more often than not, the reporter eventually asks, with a playful smile of their face, “So what about that mother-in-law issue?”Apparently when I wrote the original column, I had dared to go where most happily married women do not – I had tread on the mother-in-law. And if you think a scorned lover can get wound up tighter than a jack-in-the-box, you haven’t messed with a mother.

Yet, the e-mails of support assure me that this problem of mothers-in-law at homecomings is not only universally weighed and measured, it has been a bone of contention since the military has been coming home in the first place. It amazes me how timely it remains.

Let’s review the issue as a whole and why otherwise wonderful and pleasant mothers-in-law have become so problematic for some couples near homecoming. For many husbands and wives, military homecomings are like a honeymoon. Some people have even claimed that homecoming is more intimate and exciting than their wedding. But besides the celebration, homecoming can also be a very intense and emotional time as husband and wife reconnect after months spent apart. It takes time to reunite as a family, and this process can sometimes be hindered by “guests.”

I know what you’re thinking: “Why can’t a mother-in-law just come to the actual homecoming and then go home and leave the couple alone?”

Because most military families don’t live near their in-laws. For a mother-in-law to be at homecoming, she usually has to make a special trip, which makes the couple feel obligated to host and entertain her at a time when their focus should be on each other. A great many mothers understand this predicament and wait a few days, or even weeks, before making the trip to see their loved ones. But if you have an unenlightened mother on your hands and you’re wondering how to deal with her, here’s a quick guide to dealing with the two most common types of mothers-in-law:

1. The Mother of All Mothers – This mother might as well be Mother Nature because she was apparently born to mother everyone, including you, but especially her beloved son. You will never clean, cook, or raise children good enough to suit her. She can always do it better. And, by the way, you’re lousy at taking care of her son. So as homecoming approaches, this mother might be worried about her son’s first dinner at home and whether or not he’ll have clean sheets on the bed. To keep her at bay, assure her you’ve sufficiently planned for your husband’s arrival. Then make reservations at your husband’s favorite restaurant and be done with it. She never has to know.

2. The Possessive Mother – You took her son away and she will never forgive you. In her mind, this mother truly believes your husband would rather spend his first night home eating lasagna with his mother than, well, you know, with his wife. The Possessive Mother needs to be at homecoming because, unfortunately, yours is a marriage of three, not two. She is the “other woman.” The only way to satisfy this mother-in-law is to die or get a divorce, and I strongly discourage both.  Talk to your husband and come up with a plan together. Talk about your expectations for homecoming ahead of time so you’re both on the same page. And if your mother-in-law gets mad because she’s not invited, don’t celebrate yet. You might think this means she’ll never bother you again. Unfortunately, it only means she’ll hate you even more than she already does. She will always love her son. You never can win, so you might as well have the homecoming of your and your husband’s dreams instead.

 

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