Last week, my grandmother died. Mom-mom was a wonderful woman, with faults that only made her personality come to life even more. She always held firm to her purse, even at the Christmas Eve service, for fear someone would rob her. She called obsessively until the check she sent for birthdays cleared. She loved my Pop-pop so much that she never really could move on after his death ten years ago. We all loved her.
I’ve been crying since I found out about her heart attack two weeks ago. I called over and over, waiting to hear that she was going to be okay. I finally heard her voice and broke down in tears of desperation that just wanted to hold her one last time. I knew she was afraid of dying and I knew I couldn’t be there for her. It broke my heart.
The last thing she said to me was that I needed to take care of our little angel, Lorelei. Mom-mom was more concerned about my daughter’s upcoming heart surgery than her last moments of life. She died on Easter Saturday at 1:00 in the morning- the same time that I woke with a start and called my husband while he was on duty in a panic. I didn’t know about her death until the next morning and, even with everything she’d been through, I was still surprised. And heartbroken.
Now here I sit, wondering what else I will miss because we are so far away from home and cannot travel with my daughter’s health in critical condition. I know the sacrifices we make for our country, but this one feels so empty. I really loved her. My father really loved her and I wanted to be there for him, but we just couldn’t.
Please, anyone…tell me how to come to terms with this feeling of loss? Tell me the things that I already know but just need to hear because I don’t want to feel alone in my time of mourning. Tell me ways to cope so I can make her death meaningful and not feel like the granddaughter who abandoned her Mom-mom when she most needed her…
…over and out…
31 Comments
Chelle,
I just wanted to tell you that I know how you’re feeling. Last week, my cousin was in a horrible motorcycle accident in CO and he has not woken up since. I feel horrible for not being able to be there for my family while they take turns in the ICU and as they worry whether or not he’ll make it. So, I just want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way.
I hope you find comfort in knowing that your grandmother loved you and wanted the best for your family and your daughter. The most important part is knowing that you loved each other and you have the memories to hold on to now that she’s in a higher place. You did NOT abandon her and she knows this….
I am at a loss for words. Please know that my thoughts and prayers will have you and your family in them.
Chelle, I think when we lose a loved one so many times we remember the sadness that comes with losing them. And I think most times if we think of how we would want to be remembered and what our loved ones would want..would be the good times. Remember only those. Yes, they are gone from the touch, but never from the touches they gave our heart and soul. You will be able to tell Rory the wonderful things you remember of Mom-mom. And through your stories and memories Mom-mom will live forever. Mom-mom knew that you NEED to be with your precious daughter, and I am sure thats where she wanted you to be most. My prayers are with you and your family to find the peace that you were loved by such a wonderful lady for the time you had her.
Chelle,
You can celebrate her life, let everyone know what a great person she was and even in her last words cared about a great granddaughter’s health. She knows you love her and will never stop loving her. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Chelle,
When you write about waking up at the time she passed - it reminded me greatly of when I lost my grandfather last fall. I was always “his girl” - at 10:30 pm, my fiance and I were cleaning our apartment, as we were moving, and I heard a noise outside the door. There was a cat. That cat stayed at our door all night long. I found out about Grandpa the next morning. I hadn’t seen him in two years. I has gotten better. He could only be there spiritually for my wedding day. I have so many regrets about not visiting when I should have. In the end, I have to realize that he’s always there with me, and I did get that final phone call. His words are always with me. “Angie, you’ve always been my girl.” “Grandpa, I’ll always be your girl.” Remember that last call - remember those last words. Hold your memories close. My husband lost his granfather the weekend before he deployed. They were as close as could be. I tell my husband all the time to let his angel watch over him. Much like he has Grandpa Jim, Loralei has her own special angel now.
Many hugs.
Ang
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of loss.
Chelle,
Try and remember her as the spitfire im sure she was. Im sure she would rather you smile and laugh over those fond memories than cry. I know its hard as i have been where u are. PLease try and stay focused on the good. Tell your beautiful daughter alls those wonderful memories.
Gosh Chelle you have me in tears
My grandmother is now very ill and we don’t expect her to be ok for much longer, and I am packing up my girls and driving to her this week because I know I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t do it. I am so thankful that I have a way to do so.
With all you give and all you sacrifice it simply breaks my heart to see you go through any more heartache. This past week was the first time I thought about what you are saying here, what would happen if I was in Germany right now?
I take comfort in the fact that just my grandmother knowing that I wanted to be there and that I was there in my heart would make her feel loved and she would understand if that happened. As I am sure a woman great enough to have you as her legacy she understood and like you said she was more worried about Lorelie than herself. I know she knows how badly you wanted to be there and couldn’t and I know she wouldn’t want you to feel badly about it. Celebrate her life by carrying on where she left off and continue to love and live with the grace that you do everyday Chelle. You are a beautiful person and I know everyone who knows you is blinded by that beauty.
Chelle, I am so sorry. I know that you have had burden after burden these past few months and it amazes me how much composure you have. I truly cannot ever say much of an inspiration you are, but please know that I do pray for you and your family a great deal, you are in my thoughts often. You show remarkable strength and courage to deal with all the things you have had to cope with lately. I’m sure your grandmother and everyone else in your family is proud of you. Listen to her and continue to take care of your precious baby, think of it as another way to another your grandmother and share her with your daughter.
Chelle,
You are so amazing and so strong. I am sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you can find solace in your grandmother’s full and wonderful life.
i am sorry for your loss, chelle. but you know the first thing that came to my mind when i read this is that God is watching her beside Him and watching over your little girl as well. and i think she went to Him to sit there and just help God watch over Lorelei and the whole family through this nerve wracking time. Someone told me that when God takes from us, he takes the best. And that is all we need to know. When he took your grandmother from you, he had his reasons. and one day you will wake up and feel that peace. and i am positive she bears no hard feelings that you were not there. she made her feelings known, and so do you. that is all that matters in the end. anyone who knows Lorelei’s situation cannot hold it against you that you could not travel. you did your best from where you were and im sure everyone felt it. much love to you.
Chelle, I am certain that your grandmother did not feel abandoned. There is no doubt that you are pretty much SuperWoman, but even SuperWoman has her limits. You cannot be in two places at one time. Mom-Mom clearly knew where you had to be because of her last words to you, and that’s with Lorelei. You are an amazing wife, mother, daughter, and granddaughter, Chelle. This is a time of grief and mourning, but not for guilt, because there is simply no reason to feel guilty. Much love, and you and your family have my deepest sympathies for your loss.
Chelle,
truly understand how you feel. My Grandma passd away two years ago this July.I was in the downstairs lobby of the hospital on my way up to see her when she passed. For the longest time I was angry at myself. Why couldn’t I have gone to see her the day before or even just a few hours later. God knows what He is doing. I think my grief would have been much more difficult if I had seen her in her last moments. That could be the same for you. She knows you love her. There will be things you do throughout your life that will honor her memory, even if it is something as simple as clutching your purse. Time WILL help. I’m saying many prayers for you and your family.
Chelle Sweetie, I am so sorry your Mom-Mom passed and you couldn’t be there. I’m certain she knew that you needed to be with your own children and she understood. I know that’s where she would want you to be and didn’t feel like you abandoned her. You could start coming to terms by reminiscing over the times when YOU made her laugh or put a smile on her face. With the woman I know that you are, I’m certain there were plenty of times you brought joy to your Mom-Mom just as she did to you and many others. Dealing with the loss of loved ones is tough at best and it’s even harder when you can not be by their side. It sometimes leaves us sorta guilt ridden but we cannot help those things we can not change. It is during these times that life just really sucks. I hope the good lord warms your heart with peace within yourself. HUGS!
I am sorry i do not have any advice for you… i have not had to deal with a great loss that has hit me hard like that. i am so sorry and will have you and your family in my prayers.
Dear Chelle. I know how keenly you feel your loss and I hope you can feel my arms reaching out to comfort you across the Ocean. I know your Grandmother must have been a spectacular woman. She was truly loved by her family, and gosh Chelle, she must have been SO proud of you! It’s what we all hope for..to reach the end of our lives, having been profoundly loved, and to have been responsible for raising a family to be proud of, who will carry on our spirit. I know that she will be watching proudly over you…always. Janie x
Chelle honey I know and understand the feelings you are having of being so far away from home and missing so much. Your mom-mom sounds like a very special lady with a lot of character. I’m sure you can take comfort in knowing her legacy lives on in you, and will continue to live on in your children and for many generations to come. Mom-mom knew you couldn’t be there and understood as I’m sure the rest of your family did/does. Please know your family remains in my thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort to sustain you. Much love & many hugs,
V
I am so sorry for your loss, and your heartache over not only losing someone so dear to you, but not being able to be there for her. Your Mom-mom seems like a wonderful and strong individual. Her strength and love live on in you and the rest of your family. You did not abandon her. Her last wish of you was to take care of your daughter, and you are doing that with flying colors. You and your family are in my prayers.
Jessica aka Fingerscrossed
Chelle,
Losing someone is never easy, and unfortunately it doesn’t necessarily get better. My grandmother passed my Junior year of high school in April, and I had last seen her around christmas. It was so hard to cope, and I still miss her, just as I’m sure you miss Mom-Mom. She sounds like a wonderful woman and I feel blessed to have just gotten to know her through your words.
Maybe her legacy lives on through Lorelei…?
Chelle,
Your mom-mom sounds like she was a very wonderful person and touched the lives of many in a positive way. It is hard to be a military family, no doubt about it, but sometimes the distance helps us remember just how much we love our family and friends “back home”.
As long as you keep telling mom-mom’s story’s she will be around in your hearts for many years.
Chelle, I am so sorry for your loss, and I am praying for your family. Mom-mom will always live in your memories and the stories that you share of her with your children, and others. I know it’s cheesy, but it’s true. I enjoyed the anecdote you shared about her, and I can just tell that she must have been a wonderful woman, and I know that you must draw strength from her example. Hugs and prayers.
Chelle, I am so sorry for your loss but know that your family is in our prayers. I believe that your Mom-Mom is up their watching over Lorelei. Be strong. We are always here for you.
Chelle, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I pray for the day your entire family can think about her and not cry, but rather smile, as you remember all of the wonderful memories that you share with her. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that she is watching over you and your family, and especially Lorelei. Hugs…
Chelle,
my prayers for comfort and healing for you and the family have been lifted up, and will continue to be. You can help her continue on in your heart by thinking about the good times and the funny things you shared with her. Pass these on to your children, and take comfort knowing she is finally home and in peace.
Chelle,
I’m not sure what to say that can put a recipe on grieving. All I know is that you sharing your story made my heart smile and I thought about my departed grandparents fondly for awhile after reading it. Maybe your making other people think about loved ones is a great thing to come of this? I think heaven shines a little brighter when the living think of the departed. Thank you for sharing, and I do hope the weight of sadness lifts soon.
Chelle,
Thank you for sharing what your Grandmother meant to you and how connected you were with her and how much she will be missed by you. I loved what Julana wrote and agree that Heaven shines brighter when we think of our loved ones!
God Bless Your Family!
Krista
Chelle,
I am so sorry about what happened. My father had to experience what you are going through but with his mother. I was the only person there when my grandmother died and my father was on the other side of the country and because of circumstances couldn’t be there. In a way I felt that I was there with her not only for her but for him too! She never doubted my father’s love for her even while on her death bed. I am sure your grandmother felt the same way. My grandmother died the day I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child which was her 1st great Grand baby! I was thankful to have given her the joy of breaking the news to her the day she died. Before she died I told her I hope my child has her beautiful blue eyes. To this day I really believe she tapped God on the shoulder and asked him for a “little favor” My son has her eyes. I know it may seem silly to some and I know I probably hold on to this as a way to comfort myself. But deep deep down inside I feel as though that was her gift to me! I am sure your grandmother went on knowing deep in her heart you loved her and wanted to be there. Grandmas just have that kind of intuition and wisdom and the way you describe her I wouldn’t doubt she did too! Mine passed right near the 4th of July which is my favorite holiday! So whenever I see fireworks I think of her and my son’s beautiful blue eyes! HUGS to you Chelle! Time really does make it easier to cope but time will never make you forget how precious they are to us! OK, I have to go get the tissue! Keep your chin up!I am sure that is what she would want you to do! Take care of that beautiful baby girl and I hope you will find peace in your heart beyond measure!
Chelle…I am new to this website, this is actually the first post I’ve written. I, too, know of loss while being ‘military’. My sister was killed in a car accident on Thanksgiving Day in 2003. At first I felt as if I had let her down in some because I wasn’t able to ‘fix’ things. I am her older sister and always tried to look out for her. The only advice I can offer, albeit meager, is to take solace in the love you knew she had for you and your daughter and that it was more important for you to take care of her and that you did exactly as you asked. It will not matter to her if you couldn’t get away…or if finances wouldn’t allow it…it only matters that you did as she asked. My grandmother passed away when I was 20 and we were stationed in Germany. She had Alzheimers…I would live with her during my summers because I loved her that much. She was awesome…even today my kids (who didn’t get the pleasure of knowing her) still hear the stories of how she had a ’swear jar’ because she didn’t allow cussing in her home. I’m surprised some of my relatives didn’t go broke on that one…and that I wore her polyester dresses while at her house and the boys in the neighborhood still thought I was cute….until she threatened to knock them over the head with her broom.
The memories I have with me will last me a lifetime…and my children will pass on her stories to their children. Her legacy lives on…just as your grandmother’s legacy will too!
OMGosh! I am such a tard! I went to ‘edit’ my comment but couldn’t find a way to do it. I meant to say she was my GREAT-Grandmother! Not for anyone to feel sorry for me…but my grandmother was murdered when I was 7….she was awesome too! Even though I was so young I can still remember her love for me. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to have had them both for as long as I did…just as you do I’m sure!
I too, lost my dear grandmother in 1981 and believe me, still miss her. As long as I remember her with love and pass on those memories of the good times to my children and grandchildren, she is still with me. I am a former navy wife & old enough to be your grandmother. My husband retired after over 21yrs served, so we were separated from our families and were not there for funerals, weddings, births, and etc.. We just have to live each day the best we can. Your grandmother gave you the best advice to take care of your own little ones and carry on. May God bless you. Time does heal, but you will never forget the good memories.