The other day, I was catching up on some military spouse news, and I found an interesting article in Stars and Stripes: Professor Studies Military Life in Germany.
Another tentative finding is that male spouses appear to have an easier time dealing with having a spouse deployed than their female counterparts. Part of the reason is male spouses tend to be older. They often also have a military background, Ender said.
‘The males are doing fine,’ he said. ‘You don’t see them at the FRG meetings because they don’t need to be there.’
Really? That’s news to me. While I’m sure that may be the case for some male spouses (like the ones who have served in the military and understand the lifestyle, which is more than half of all male spouses), there are plenty for whom military life is just as baffling as it is for female spouses.
As a civilian male military spouse, I can speak from experience: It’s no easier for guys.
I hate to counter one stereotype with another, but a lot of men are self-consciously self-reliant. In other words, we want to figure things out for ourselves. (Why do you think there are so many jokes about men not wanting to stop for directions?) So that’s one reason why you don’t see men at the FRG meetings.
Another reason is that some guys are self-conscious about being so seriously outnumbered by the opposite sex. I’ve been to spouse functions where I was one man in a group of 20-30 women. Of course, part of the reason for that is that the other men were all sitting at home because they didn’t want to be the only guy at the potluck.
Not too long ago, I read a different account of the male spouse experience that’s way closer to reality. (I also posted about it on my personal blog.) This short editorial piece by a civilian military husband really struck a chord with me:
But it didn’t take long for the dark, cold winter and the incessant demands of the kids to overwhelm me. I had no one to complain to when someone pooped in the bathtub or the laundry piled up. After the nightly battle to get the girls asleep, I’d sometimes wake up in the middle of the night fully clothed. Still, I thought I could get through it on my own.
I’d guess this is a pretty common experience amongst those guys who think they can do it all themselves.
What can we do to encourage more male spouses to take advantage of the support systems that are available?
21 Comments
You are not alone,
i have been through many jobs as my schedule and availability change during deployments – all too often I fall into the male-role of taking on everything i can by myself – and have often found myself lacking… the majority of the FRG (Family Readiness Groups) are female in number (the most recent function (party) i attended was all female with a few non-deployed spouses) and the prior to that function had two other males not counting the chief and commander (then again they should not be counted as military spouses b/c they are the ones on the military)
either way the majority of businesses have a plan of action for decreased availability when the spouse is deployed IF the spouse is female – else male spouses do not enjoy the same privilege
maybe i am ranting and raving – but there are females in the military with spouses that are civilians that do not receive the same welcome as the inverse – which includes my wife who is often ostracized for not being single.
–my2cents
Thanks for your comment, BR. I agree it can be hard to find your place in the FRG, and part of the reason is that there are so few guys around. We need to use the Web to stay connected to other male spouses. In the meantime, I do think it’s important to attend FRG meetings and other spouse groups.
Keep in touch.
As a female spouse, how do we make the male spouses feel more welcome and comfortable? As I see it we all love and support an amazing person that works for the military. So we all have something in common. I am very interested in what I can do to make this great group of male spouses feel more welcome and to know that we are there for them.
BR and Thomas you are so right! You hit the nail on the head. It’s a matter of finding all the other male spouses and talking with them. The FRG should not be just a female “thang;” it should also include the male spouses which means that the female military members need to ensure that their spouses are notified of the meetings and included if they so wish to attend.
This information should be included in the welcome package of every installation in the United States and around the world that US military members PCS to and from with their families. Ok Ok, I’m off my high horse.
Down SSgt. Down SSgt.
Cindy
I really like this article
. Thanks for writing it.
As a former FRG Leader and current Army Family Team Building Instructor, and the wife of a Detailed Recruiter (nearly done with this tour) I see more and more Military Husbands, Fiance’s and Boyfriends joining the Military Lifestyle.
I can imagine that a Male Spouse would feel uncomfortable in a group of all women. I’d feel pretty weird being the only female in a male group.
What I do, when I get to talk to one of the new Military Male Spouses or Significant others, to inform them about the resources and support that is out there. Encoourage them to attend any of them, if possible, and let them know they are not the only Male Spouse. I guide them towards MilSpouse.com, in the hope they read the Male Section on the forum, and
(hehe) give them the link to your blog. 
I love reading your blog, I really take this with me in my experience in Army Family Readiness, as when I do encounter Male Spouses and Significant Others, I at least have a view on how they must feel, and I can direct them to your blogs and articles,…
And for the Male Spouses,…know that you are welcome at the Support Meetings!
We would love to have you there. 
Hats off to you men spouses! I don’t think my husband would have a clue if I would leave him with the kids for a week let alone 15months. When we were stationed at FT. Bragg, there were a couple Male spouses living in our housing area that were “left on the homefront” during the last deployment and I always felt somewhat sorry for them because where out of 30 houses 27 of the spouses were deployed, the women all came together to form a nieghborhood army family and as we tried to include the men, you could tell they always felt uncomfortable. It was nice to hear that Bragg started a support group for Male spouses and it had a huge success. Maybe more installations should look into that.
That’s cool that Fort Bragg had a support group for male spouses. That’s the first one I’ve heard of. Do you have any more info on it?
Why can’t we call the male spouse a husband and the female spouse a wife? Is this “male spouse” and “female spouse” stuff some new PC stuff?
It’s certainly PC to some extent, but I mainly use ‘male’ and ‘female’ to make sure readers know what I’m talking about. Historically, the term ‘military husband’ referred to the service member and ‘military wife’ referred to the civilian spouse.
However, on my personal blog, I refer to myself as a Navy husband, because I’m trying to change the way people think about that term. I think you’re right that we should be able to just say ‘wife’ or ‘husband,’ eventually.
I just thought about a movie about a Military Husband. “I Was a Male War Bride” – from 1949 with Cary Grant as the Male War Bride and Ann Sheridan as the Service Member. I really enjoyed that movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, it is certainly a recommender. Especially if you like the classics.
i will look into that program for you and try to get you more information
I commend all of you male spouses.In reality sometimes it’s hard for us females to try to fit in FRG without feelin awkard.(That’s whole different topic.)
Even though I am a retired reserve, I married an active duty person. Moving every 2-3 years was hard especially finding a job. Although my wife was never deployed, finding a job every 2-3 years was hard so I became a Mr Mom. Now that she is retired, I can’t find a job and we are having personal problems because of that. Being a male spouse is not that easy and I never had that support from the Navy or Navy spouse program. They always assume you are a female and don’t have programs for the male spouse.
im a army husband, my wife is the active duty.. we all know that the army life is hard no matter who’s is the active duty..
it must be natural to feel different from each other when we are apart right? i mean it might be that we somehow getting use to be away for so long that 6 to 8 months later it doesn’t feel like we need each other anymore…
im a army husband, my wife is the active duty.. we all know that the army life is hard no matter who’s is the active duty..
it must be natural to feel different from each other when we are apart right? i mean it might be that we somehow getting use to be away for so long that 6 to 8 months later it doesn’t feel like we need each other anymore… maybe who ever is diployed don’t have anything around them to remind them home.. for us here is it suposed to be harder?
Jay,
I think deployments are hard for both spouses, in different ways. For the deployed spouse, I think it helps that they’re busy, and that helps pass the time, but I’d bet they also really miss the comforts of home. For those of us on the home front, time might pass more slowly, but at least we have a community/environment we’re familiar with.
Deployments force us to be independent, but, emotionally, we still need our wives and husbands. There’s always an adjustment after a deployment, but you’ll find that the old rhythms take over after a while, I think.
I am a civilian army spouse and going through a second year long deployment with my wife of 8 years. We do not have any children. But god knows I am struggling. I have tried to stay positive and motivated but the loneliness and the stress is just becoming overwhelming. It seems to be even more frustrating that I have no one to share it with. She seems more distant than ever now and I have no clue what to do. It is quicksand. FRG groups from my experience are exclusively targeted to female spouses. Though I have religiously gone to all FRG meetings I am the only guy there. I just slink away once the meeting was over because there is nothing I can relate to with army wives. I am scared, though I hate to admit it, that my marriage is crumbling and there is nothing I can do.I am praying for better days.
Sam,
I cannot imagine what a year-long separation would be like. My wife has never been deployed that long.
But deployments are all long, and we need support. The Internet is great for that, and I’m glad you shared your thoughts here on the blog. I’d encourage you to keep reading blogs and getting into the conversation. There are a handful of blogs out there written by military husbands.
Send me an e-mail if you’re interested in talking about it more:
thomaslitchford.com/blog/contact
Hi Thomas thanks for the reply post. I am unsure which email to use to get in touch with you. it would be good to have someone to exchange emails I guess. I have filled in my email here so if you are able to access that then you can go ahead and email me or let me know which email to use to get in touch with you. Thanks.
Never mind I found your email. Look forward to staying in touch
I’m actually an adult military (USAF) brat. I SWORE I would never be a military wife. I had had my fill of watching my loved one get on a plane to who knows where for who knows how long and if he’s even coming back….etc, etc.
Well, my husband of 16 years has decided to go work in Iraq for KBR.
Money has been really tight…and I’m willing to struggle financially to keep our family intact, but I also know that when a “manly man” makes up his mind, there’s no changing it. – or should I say, when my man has made up his mind.
I’ve been searching for a spouses’ support group for deployed civillians, but have not had much luck. i guess the protocol would be pretty much the same for civillians as it is for military….but with fewer controls (not my favorite thing).
Do you have any resources to refer me to? Thanks.
Respectfully,
Scared Berlin Brat
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