Last week I wrote a post about the discomfort some men feel regarding Family Readiness Groups, enlisted spouses’ clubs, and officers’ spouses’ clubs. It got a lot of good comments. One comment, from Jennifer, asked ‘As a female spouse, how do we make the male spouses feel more welcome and comfortable?’
The answer to that question has two parts: what female spouses can do and what male spouses can do.
Making your spouses’ club ‘guy friendly’
As Cindy mentioned in the comments, the most important thing to do is to invite any male spouses who are in your unit. Male spouses—just like some female spouses—might not make the effort to contact the group leaders, so the leaders should reach out to them. Make sure they’re on contact lists so they know about upcoming events.
Another thing to keep in mind is that the language you use needs to be inclusive. I would feel awkward attending an officers’ wives’ club meeting, for example. Even if you’re not aware of any male spouses in your unit, you should use ’spouses’ instead of ‘wives.’ Plan for the future. There will be more and more military husbands as time goes by. Of course, if your spouse is a submariner or is part of another non-integrated unit, that’s a special case.
Finally, take both sexes into account when planning activities for the group. If your only activities are a monthly book club and a weekly tea, the men will stay away (unless they’re bookworms, like me). That’s not to say you can never do those activities, just make sure you include things like dinners, game nights, and other gender-neutral events. Any successful spouses’ club will poll its members about activities they’re interested in, so just be sure there’s at least one guy at the planning meeting.
Guys need to do their part, too
Every time I’ve ever attended an FRG meeting or an officers’ spouses’ club for the first time, I’ve felt like something of a novelty. That’s because I’m usually the only guy in the room. Some men might not be 100 percent comfortable in this situation, or they might just not find it enjoyable. The solution is to get more men attending the functions. I know there are guys out there who stubbornly stay away from spouses’ groups, and that needs to stop. Even if you think you don’t need the support of the group, there could be someone there going through his first deployment, and I bet he could use somebody to talk to.
The other thing guys can do to find support and feel more a part of the military spouse community is to take advantage of the Internet. Websites like Milspouse.com are great places to find spouses who know what you’re going through. The forums, for example, are a great tool.
I’d love to hear about how other spouses’ groups have accomplished this. What are some good ways to increase participation?
3 Comments
As always, excellent post, Thomas. I can’t say that I’d ever want to be a ‘novelty’ in that setting. I imagine it’s daunting and may make you think twice before heading out to an FRG or spouse club meeting.
Too often, it seems, that men are left out of the spouse equation. While I don’t think it’s done purposefully, attention should be paid to the matter. In my experience, we tend to denote our clubs/associations as spouse organizations. That way it’s much more inclusive. Another thing that can be done is to focus on the immediate family (not just the spouse) of the member. That way it’s not singling spouses out (male or female). It recognizes that the family unit is important for member morale and that their contributions/sacrifices/support build on the already existent larger military family.
For example, one year we had a Christmas party at a previous unit. It was largely for the ‘wives’ left behind while a ship was deployed. However, we opted to call it a Family Holiday Party, that way more people (husbands and children) felt welcome–because they were. We could have done a ‘wives holiday luncheon’ or something, but our intent was to be inclusive. It’s just little things like this that can make a big difference.
I got men to participate by getting the CO’s father invovled! LOL It is kind of hard for other male spouses to say “No” when the Captain’s father is the one doing the asking! I also put out a special newsletter monthly geared just toward the men. Things like sports games in their area, tips to survive without their wife, ways to deal with misbehaving kids from a man’s perspective. It is set up just like the women’s newsletter, but the last page of it(which is the Family page, not just unit news) is all MAN. Tool and sports graphics, books men might like, plans for building tables, and reviews on chick flicks they can use to make their wives think they are sensitive! LOL I am still in the start up process of my FRG, but having the newsletter for each sex really helps.
Hello…great post. Reaching out to our male spouses has been quite challenging for our club here at Fort Sam Houston. I attended all our Summer Newcomers’ Events in order to make our male spouses knew they are welcomed with open arms to our club. But the stigma of “wives club” has been hard to erase. We are a Spouses’ Club for spouses of all ranks and branches…but this still doesn’t seem inviting to our male spouses. To date we have 2 male members…but only one attended a luncheon…once. I think we need to change the programs to be more interesting for both male and female spouses…my husband said…a guy does not want to go to polish pottery bingo luncheon! He has a point!
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