Sarah Smiley’s commentary about Lisa Pagan, the Army mother of two who was called back into active duty from the Individual Ready Reserve, got me thinking about commitment.
What struck me about Ms. Pagan’s story was the disparity of peoples’ reactions to it. Some saw it as a story about a good mother doing what she had to do. Some saw it as evidence of a compassionless US military that didn’t care about its service members. Still others railed against Ms. Pagan’s lack of commitment.
One day this past winter, I got to talking to a former Marine wife, and I was telling her about Danielle’s year off to get her MBA. She was impressed that the Navy would offer such a great benefit, but then, I told her, Danielle would have to go back to a ship. The woman observed that it would be really hard for my wife to say goodbye to our son whenever the ship deployed. Then she said something that shocked me:
“I hear it’s pretty easy for women in the Navy to get pregnant and then get discharged,” she said. “‘So long, thanks for the Master’s degree!’ “
Well, first of all, it’s not that easy. True, she wouldn’t be able to deploy with the ship, but she also wouldn’t automatically be discharged. They’d find a job for her to do in a shore-based unit.
And second of all, seriously? You think it would be a good idea for her to sign a contract that says she’s committed to serving for six more years, take the country’s money, take the free education, take the year off, and then try to game the system and bail on the whole agreement because it’s suddenly inconvenient?
What surprised me most about her comments was that she was a former military spouse, someone who should have understood “commitment.”
It’s hard for me to say whether Lisa Pagan honored her own commitment. Some would say that getting the media involved was less than honorable, and there’s a part of me that thinks she probably could have found childcare if she’d really wanted to. But we also don’t know the whole story.
Whether or not it was a media stunt, at least she reported for duty, unlike some others. Consider, for example, the 1,000 soldiers who have simply failed to report. Or consider the woman in the library, who suggested getting pregnant as a means to getting out of the Navy.
What I do know is that our military’s greatness—indeed, our country’s greatness—depends on those who are willing to commit to something bigger than themselves, and I am proud to be a part of that.
7 Comments
Some people will never understand the commitment that comes with military service. What annoys me more than anything about Mrs. Pagan’s story is that she has a husband who is able to take care of the children but will not because of his job. All military spouses make sacrifices. We have to frequently change jobs, schools, houses, cities, friends, and just about everything else in our lives. And service members make even bigger sacrifices, especially when children are involved. We choose this life, and we know all the risks that come along with it. The man should have done the right thing and found a job that did not require travel.
The number of people who think the way the former Marine wife in this story does is alarming. I have heard numerous comments like this myself. I think people forget that there are those of us who want to be part of the military. When my husband wanted to join the Army I encouraged him even though I knew it would change my life. Sometimes it is hard, but we love every second of it. We love it because we love our country, and we would do anything for it. We made the commitment.
Thank you to you and your wife for understanding the value of commitment to our country.
In theory, a woman who becomes pregnant on sea duty “pauses” her sea duty commitment and has to come back to complete it after spending her pregnancy and maternity leave at a shore command.
Whether or not it’s true in every case, we find ourselves explaining it far too often. I too have been on the receiving end of “Oh, your wife’s going to miss her baby so much” and “Well, there’s some way out of that, isn’t there?” more times than I want to think about over the past two years.
For the record, my wife coped with the first deployment as a mother just as gracefully as she did her earlier deployments. Motherhood didn’t render her mentally defective or unable to deal constructively with her emotions.
There’s very little that riles up my wife more than a woman assigned to sea duty getting pregnant. Those who do are not just violating a promise, they’re letting down their shipmates and depending on the timing, leaving more work for an already inadequate number of people.
And as you can tell, there’s very little that riles this Navy husband more than people who (intentionally or not) question the inherent fitness of women to serve.
Thomas, great topic. I agree that we don’t know Ms. Pagan’s whole story. In my ‘assuming’ estimation (yes, I know what that could mean), there certainly does seem to be a great deal of media hype surrounding the matter.
On the matter of AWOL/Desertion, I recall dealing with more males than females when I was on active duty and worked as a Legal Chief. Of course, that could largely have been attributed to the male/female ratio in that particular service at the time. Common sense dictates that there were probably more men showing up in desertion statistics because there were more males than females serving.
On another note, JA3 said “There’s very little that riles up my wife more than a woman assigned to sea duty getting pregnant. Those who do are not just violating a promise, they’re letting down their shipmates and depending on the timing, leaving more work for an already inadequate number of people.”
I disagree. I could play Devil’s Advocate and see a certain stance on this matter, but to generalize is unfair and inappropriate. Would you propose that active duty women schedule pregnancies? If that’s the case, should the same be said for an active duty male who suddenly is temporarily relieved of his duty for an elective medical procedure or even something like cancer that he did not preplan or at least run by his shipmates first. Of course not– that would never be expected.
Maybe I misinterpreted your post, and I apologize if I did. It can be difficult to decipher nuances and meanings on the net. In any event, I would agree that there are folks who have been known to plan pregnancies to get out of deployments and there are also men and women opt for surgeries or even malinger when it is convenient for them, but you have to remember life happens. Pregnancies planned/unplanned happen and the same goes for illnesses or family matters of various natures. Shipmates need to adapt. If they cannot handle that, then they maybe should reconsider their own commitments. Commands will figure it out and move on.
Of course not all pregnancies for active duty women are attempts to avoid deployment. Sometimes pregnancies just happen, even when birth control is used.
There is a perception (sometimes conscious, sometimes sub-conscious) that women who get pregnant before a deployment do so on purpose, to avoid the deployment. And there’s a saying I hear from my wife all the time: “Perception is reality.”
Women have fought hard to get where they are in the military community, and the perception that some women don’t take their commitment seriously undermines those who do. So a lot of active duty women do, in fact, “schedule” the pregnancies to best fit the needs of their service. Is it fair? No. But it’s the reality.
What I don’t understand is did she not know and understand that she might be deployed? It’s not a secret.
As far as families of Soldiers that is what is expected if we are with a Military person.
I do my job even if he was not in the Army he is a truck driver by trade in the civillian world and when he goes to work he might not come home for a few months. I have to take care of the house.
We all forget they have choices and if the choice is the Military then take it as it comes, you can’t pick and choose. Or else get out.
I have heard and seen many women in the Navy married/sinlge become pregnant when sea-duty comes around to avoid the boat/deployments. Some have even gone so far as to get preggo on the ship and they are sent home. I think Commitment is a huge thing in life. Whether it be to your COUNTRY, MARRIAGE, KIDS, or FAMILY. It all goes back to your character and your morals in my opinion.
I always find it fascinating that people are understanding of a mother putting aside her commitment to her child in favor of a commitment to her country, but not the other way around. All personnel, in any position, anywhere in the world, are replaceable. They have to be, otherwise nothing would survive a generation or less. A mother or father, on the other hand, is not replaceable. Someone may place-hold for them, or try to pick up the slack should they be unable to return, but the parent is never replaceable to the child.
Perhaps we should ask ourselves what is truly important in life. In some cases the answer may not be “ship duty” or “Iraq.”
One Trackback
[...] New post up at the Milspouse blog: Honoring the Commitment. [...]