The other day I was explaining to my wife Danielle on the phone that Sean (our 17-month-old) and I had discovered two new monsters in our presence. One was the Washcloth Monster, who feeds on the crumbs little boys leave behind, and the other was the Hand Wipe Monster, his cousin, who follows us around town and feeds on little boys’ sticky paws.
Danielle said I needed more adult relationships, ASAP.
In the May issue of Military Spouse Magazine, I wrote about trying to build up a sense of community, but I’ve been having a hard time actually making it happen.
The first thing that stymied my involvement in the spouses’ club here was Sean’s nap schedule. I signed up to join the playgroup, which is well-organized and meets at local parks and playgrounds, but most of the kids are a little older than Sean and have one midday nap. So the get-togethers (I stubbornly refuse to call them “playdates”) are scheduled for mid-morning, right when Sean goes down for his first of two daily naps.
Then, just as Sean was transitioning to one midday nap himself, he got sick. It was probably the swine flu, though we didn’t have to take him to the doc. He only ran a fever for a day, and then his symptoms became cold-like: coughing, runny nose—nothing really to worry about. But being sick meant more sleep, and he’s been back to two naps a day for the last three weeks.
We’ve also been trying to organize a trip down to Virginia to see Danielle and visit friends, but car trouble has thrown a wrench into our schedule. Making matters even more complicated is that the car is in Connecticut. It broke down on Danielle on the drive home over Memorial Day weekend. Not knowing when I’ll have to go pick it up or when we’ll finally be able to take our trip has made me reluctant to commit to any other spouse club events.
That all leaves Sean and me in a kind of limbo, and it leaves me with only small-talk social opportunities with the waitresses at the diner or with casual acquaintances at the coffee shop.
When we do make it to the playground, I find myself hovering within 15 feet of Sean, watching the other parents—mostly moms—from a distance. I feel a strange reluctance to engage them in conversation, partly because it’s awkward being the only dad at the playground (the other dads I see are invariably accompanied by their wives), and partly because I don’t want Sean to start eating grass or wood mulch.
So, for the time being, my primary social companion is a toddler, and our conversations are mostly one-sided. If it weren’t for the Internet and the telephone, I’d really be in trouble.
3 Comments
Ah, the realm of mommy (or in your case…daddy) dating. I did a ton of that last summer. I feel your pain! I was one of those “easy” ones…I asked any mother who stopped to smile out for coffee/play/whatever dates, and I finally have a few steady’s hahaha.
I bet if you start your own thing, folks will come! How about a book club that meets at a home…less things for tots to eat, or places to fall from.
Good luck!!!
Man, I can never get comfortable with a group of women even in a play date setting. They get started talking about girl stuff and all I can do is smile and nod dumbly, so inevitably I end up playing with my 18 month old Hannah and not getting the adult conversation that I need to keep me from degenerating to a pre-school level vocabulary. I do find it easier if it is one woman, but it is awkward as neither one of us wants someone we know to see us and get the wrong idea, even though I don’t see how they could with the kids climbing all over us while we fail miserably attempting to talk about something other than kids. The other thing you point out is that there are so few of us SAHDs and it is very unusual to run into another SAHD so it is less likely we will find someone we connect with than our wives would. Fortunately for me she is not deployed right now, so I still get the remedial training in how to speak like an adult in the evenings, and if she faces deployment, well, I guess I can always knock her up again! That was just a joke ladies… she already told me that she is only giving me this one more as the morning sickness is just brutal, only 7 more months until the next one is here and then I will have even bigger troubles!
It’s complicated, for sure. At first, it’s all small talk. Then, if you actually manage to make friends, there are all these questions of what’s appropriate for male-female friendships, not to mention other people’s perceptions. I’m pretty sure the neighbors of a female friend were suspicious about how often and what time of day I was over at her house while our spouses were deployed. Just one of the hazards we face